Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
by Nexus1
Summary: A parody of everyone's favorite game show with Ganondorf, Zelda, and Link as the contestants. [Chapter 2 now up!]
1. The First Episode

**Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?**

This is a parody of _Who Wants to Be a Millionaire_, which used to be on my site, [The Desert Colossus][1] for a brief period of time. Please read & review! 

-=-

Announcer: From Hyrule Castle Town studios in Hyrule, it's WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? And now, your host, Regis Philbin  
*Regis walks out onto the stage and puts his hands together*  
Regis: Thank you, thank you. It is time again for Who Wants to Be *pause* a Millionaire. We have several contestants just *emphasis* itching to get into that hot seat. They are:  
*Light shines on contestant #1*  
Regis: Ganondorf Dragmire, a self made buisness man, who specializes in *reads card agin* Thievery? How does that work Ganondorf?  
Ganondorf: I beat people up and steal their money.  
Regis: Fair enough.   
*Light shines off of Ganondorf*  
Ganondorf: Hey, what the hell?  
*Light shines on Contestant #2*  
Regis: Link, says here he is the "Hero of Time." Hmmm, so you... save people?  
Link: Totally.  
Regis: Any details?  
Link: *ponders*   
*puts finger up, but then puts it down and ponders again*  
Nope. That's about it.  
Regis: Alright, Contestant number three is...  
*Lights on Contestant #3*  
Regis: ... Zelda, a Princess. Welcome your highness.  
Zelda: Was that sarcastic? If it was sarcatsic...  
Regis: No, no, no. Now it's time for the fastest finger question. Here it is:  
*Spotlights sweep around and suspenseful music plays*  
Regis: Put the following Games in the order of which they take place.  
a. Ocarina of Time   
b. Link to the Past   
c. Legend of Zelda   
d. Adventure of Link  
*More music plays as contestants pick answers*  
Regis: Alright, and the order is: A, B, C, and D. And the winner with the fastest time is:  
*None of the contestant blocks light up*  
Regis: No one got it? No one? For the sake of pe... it was ABCD!!! How stupid can you people be?! Alright fine, I'll pick one. You.  
*Regis points ambiguously*  
Ganondorf: Me?  
Regis: Sure, I could use a laugh.  
Ganondorf: Ha, ha! Take that, Mr. Hero of Time! In your face.  
Regis: Welcome Mr. Dragmire.   
Ganondorf: Ganondorf  
Regis: Alright then, Ganondorf.  
Ganondorf: Ganon.  
Regis: Let's get to the question. Alright, for $100 Rupees: How many Rupees can a Child's Wallet hold. A. 999 B. 1 Million C. 99 D. 500  
Ganondorf: B  
Regis: *pauses* Final Answer?  
Ganondorf: No.  
Regis: Okay then... why don't you pick another one-  
Ganondorf: B  
Regis: But, you just--  
Ganondorf: B  
Regis: Alright, then, B. Confident?  
Ganondorf: What do you think?  
Regis: *thinking* I think you're an idiot.  
Fine, is it B?   
*buzzer*  
I'm sorry, the correct answer was--  
Ganondorf: B  
Regis: No, it was C.  
Ganondorf: It was B.  
Regis: Moving on--  
Ganondorf: I want my $100 Rupees.  
Regis: No, now go! Guards!  
*Hyrulian Guards come and drag Ganondorf off the stage*  
Ganondorf: I'll be waiting for you outside Philbin! Watch your back!  
Regis: Hey, Hero boy, get up here. It's your turn.  
Link: I'm on TV!  
*Link runs up and jumps into the seat*  
Regis: Welcome Link, are you ready to play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?  
Link: Totally  
Regis: Alright, for 100 Rupees. Who is the Hero... ach, who makes up these things? Oh, anyways, who is the Hero of Time?  
a. Link  
b. Ganondorf  
c. Zelda  
d. Regis  
You must be joking, only a complete idiot would miss this...  
Link: I want to call a friend.  
Regis: Oh, of course. Our friends at Hyrulian Phone Service will phone a firend for you.  
*telephone next to Regis rings*  
Regis: Excuse me for a second. Hello?  
Link: Dude, I need some help.  
Regis: What the... you cannot call me! *hangs up*  
Link: Bummer.  
Regis: What's your answer?  
Link: I'd like to poll the audience.  
Regis: Fine, everyone pick your choice on the keypads at your feet.  
*shock sound, someone yells "ow"*  
Regis: Please do not lick the keypads.  
*music plays as the audience polls*  
Regis and the results are:  
*poll screen shows 0% for every question*  
Link: Bummer. Dude, use 5/5.   
Regis: It's 50/50  
Link: Okay, fitty/fitty  
Regis: Fifty... oh fine. Computer, please take away two of the wrong answers.  
Link: Dude, you can talk to a computer. *bangs on screen* Can I have a cheeseburger?  
Regis: Okay, two left. a. Link and d. Regis You can get this.  
Link: Dude, it's me! A!  
Regis: Finally, a correct answer. You win a 100 Rupees.  
Link: I'm done.  
Regis: What? You can't.... are you stu-- of fine. Just go.  
*buzzer sounds*  
That's all the time we have tonight. I would like to thank all of our contestants, on second thought. I hope I never have to be in the smae room with you people.  
Zelda: What about me?  
Regis: I'm sorry, we have no time.  
Zelda: Guards!  
*Regis come out and drag Regis backstage. Gun shot is heard.*  
Zelda: I win again! Join me next time for Who Wants to be a Billionaire?  
Announcer: Millionaire  
Zelda: Was that a correction? Guards!  
  
THE END... We hope  


   [1]: http://colossus.zeldagames.com



	2. The Second Episode

**Who Wants to Be a Millionaire** in Hyrule, Part Deux 

Don't forget to visit the [Desert Colossus][1], my Zelda site! Thanks to all who loved the first chapter, so I wrote this for entertainment. I got the last name of the host of 'Weakest Link' wrong, so don't correct me by email, just put it in the review. You'll notice Regis is mean in this Episode, it's because he's trying to be like the Weakest Link host and suck up the ratings. ;) Just read! 

-=-

*Regis walks out onto the stage, with a large white bandage on his head. He puts his hands together and waves to the contestants  
REGIS: Welcome one and all to another edition of, *emphasis* Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, in Hyrule. Because that evil bitch goddess Anne Simmons' show is incredibly successful, I have to give these living organ banks another shot at the Million Dollars. Let's meet our contestants. 

REGIS: First we have Rauru, the Sage of Light, from Hyrule Castle. Tell me, why are you so fat?  
  
RAURU: Wha-what? What are you talking about? Oh, I see. Yes, I'm fat! I thought you were the nice one!  
REGIS: Not in this game Tubby.  
RAURU: T-t-tubby?  
REGIS: Swallow your Twinkie before you talk lard ass!  
Our next contestant is Ruto, Princess of the Zora.  
*Regis looks up from his card and sees Ruto  
REGIS: Good God! You're hideous!  
RUTO: Well, I never!  
REGIS: I mean, you look like a choking lobster!  
RUTO: Why are you so meeaaann?!  
REGIS: Oh, go suck some plankton.  
Let's see, our next idiot is: Link, the Hero of Time.  
LINK: Dude, remember me.  
REGIS: Good God, you again.  
LINK: Duuuude!  
REGIS: Too easy. Next contestant is Ganondorf, the King of Evil.  
GANONDORF: We meet again.  
REGIS: Amazing, I bet you've got stupider as well.  
GANONDORF: Actually, I have!  
REGIS: Hmmm, another easy one.  
Okay, next jughead is Zelda, Princess of Zelda.  
ZELDA: Philbin.  
REGIS: You're Highness.  
ZELDA: No hard feelings.  
REGIS: Of course not *coughhideousbitchgoddesscough*  
ZELDA: Was that an insult? 

REGIS: Okay! Now let's try the fasted finger question! 

Okay, place in order from first to last the order of these Temples from Ocarina of Time.  
A. Fire Temple  
B. Forest Temple  
C. Water Temple  
D. Great Deku Tree 

*The contestants punch in their answers  


REGIS: Okay, let's see who got the answer in the fastest time. 

*The names of Rauru, Ruto, and Ganondorf light up. Rauru has the fastest time.  
REGIS: Okay, now Rauru, let's play the Who Wants To Be a Barrel of Lard! I mean, Millionaire.  
RAURU: If you don't mind, I'm a little sensitive about my weight.  
REGIS: Of course you are, look, you're casting a shadow across the entire studio! Is that the Triforce stuck in your armpit?  
RAURU: *sobbing* Leave me alone!  
REGIS: Okay, I'll give- like your belt! 

*Rauru gets up sobbing like a girl, and runs off the stage. 

REGIS: Do you feel that Earthquake?  
Well, since Tubby forfeited his turn, we'll bring up the contestant that came in second place, Fish Girl. *cringes*   
Come on up 

*Ruto runs up onto the stage, her fins flailing behind her. 

REGIS: I swear, I could throw up right now! *shuddering*  
RUTO: I'm beautiful and you know it. Play the game Regi-poo.  
REGIS: Fine, for 100 Rupees: who is the Ugliest Person in Hyrule?  
RUTO: What are choices?  
REGIS: There's only one- YOU!  
RUTO: Can I use a lifeline? 

*Regis bangs his head against the screen. 

REGIS: Make it stop, make it stop!  
RUTO: Okay, could I please use 50/50?  
REGIS: Wait, you DO realize that there is only one choice, right?!  
RUTO: Yeah, but I can't choose.  
REGIS: Idiot, it's not even a real question! I was INSULTING you! Are you deformed?! Oh, never mind. 

GANONDORF: You are the Dumbest Link, goodbye!  
REGIS: That's my line! 

*Regis turns back to Ruto 

REGIS: You are the Ugliest Link, goodbye! 

*Ruto runs off the stage sobbing wildly. Regis points at Ganondorf. 

REGIS: Dumbass, get into the hot seat.  
GANONDORF: Boo-yeah Link! In your face, again!  
LINK: Bank!  
REGIS: Just like a blonde. Let's go fugly, get in the chair or I'll let the idiot up instead. 

*Ganondorf jumps into the air and lands in the chair  


REGIS: Let's get a question right this time, huh?  
GANONDORF: Can do.  
REGIS: I'm sure. Okay, for 100 Rupees, how many Rupees-- oh geezy creezy, it's the same one as last time-- How many Rupees does a Child's Wallet hold?   
A. 99  
B. 100  
C. 98  
D. Infinite  
GANONDORF: Hmmm that's a toughie.  
REGIS: You do realize you had this question last time right?  
GANONDORF: I doubt it, cause I know this. It's D.  
REGIS: Final Answer? 

ZELDA: No! You idiot, it's A! 

GANONDORF: No, I think it's D. Yeah D; final answer.  
REGIS: I'm sorry the answer is A.  
GANONDORF: That's what I said, A.  
REGIS: No, you said D.  
GANONDORF: A.  
REGIS: Judges? 

*Buzzer 

GANONDORF: I said A!!  
JUDGES: D.  
GANONDORF: Oh, that's it, Regis, now you're dead! 

*Ganondorf lunges at Regis, but Regis was prepared. With a single blow to Ganondorf's forehead, Regis sends the Gerudo flying to the floor. Ganondorf gets up, begins to weep, and runs away. 

REGIS: What an idiot. Next one: the blonde, let's go.  
LINK: Yes! It's Link's turn to shine! 

*Link gets up and runs from his seat, tripping over his monitor and sliding across the ground to the hot seat. 

LINK: Wicked.  
REGIS: Yes, get in the chair.  
LINK: Can I still get fries?  
REGIS: No, just answer the question.  
LINK: Bank!  
REGIS: Wrong game show!  
LINK: Bank!  
REGIS: Arrrgh, shut up! How many Cuccos can be found during the say in Kakariko Village?   
A. 5  
B. 6  
C. 7  
D. 8 

LINK: Oh, that's toughie. Can I use a lifeline? I think I want to call a friend.  
REGIS: Okay, our friends at Hyrulian Telephone Service will connect you with your friends. 

*Phone rings, familiar voice picks up 

REGIS: Hello? Is this Link's friend  
>GANONDORF: You!  
REGIS: Ugh, Link needs your help.  
LINK: Dude, how many Cuccos are in Kakariko Village?  
>GANONDORF: 2.  
REGIS: That's not one of the choices.  
>GANONDORF: It's two, Link, trust me. 

*Buzzer sounds, Ganondorf gets cut off at the 30 second mark 

LINK: I'll pick 2.  
REGIS: That isn't a choice. Forget it, you're going to get it wrong anyway. Get out of my sight!  
LINK: Bummer. 

*Link gets up and leaves. 

REGIS: Yo, Princess, you're the last one, let's go.  
ZELDA: Yay! Go me, go me!  
REGIS: Welcome back your Highness.  
ZELDA: I'm watching you Philbin.  
REGIS: *muttering* Not if I wave a shiny thing in front of your face  
ZELDA: What was that?  
REGIS: Nothing, okay, here's your question: Who the King of Hyrule?  
A. Hyrulius  
B. Argos  
C. Sahasrhla  
D. Tycho II 

ZELDA: I- I don't know.  
REGIS: You don't know your own father's name?  
ZELDA: It's funny, I've never seen him before. I'll guess... uh, A.  
REGIS: I'm sorry the correct answer is-- 

*Microphone screeches will caucophony 

ZELDA: Wow, I should how known that. I'm shocked.  
REGIS: As am I. Well, that's all for tonight. Now, I'm going to go drive off a cliff so I never have to be in the same room with these people, EVER again. 

   [1]: http://colossus.zeldagames.com



End file.
